I remember how attached I was to milestones in my first year of grief. Numbers, anniversaries, birthdays, dates etc. I would keep record of it all. Every 12th of the month I would count how many months it had been since James left, and it would sting every time. I realized after 4 months that if I didn’t, my body would tell me another milestone was ahead. Four months into James passing I had woken up crying before my kids had even opened their eyes. It wasn’t anything new to me, however today I didn’t realize it had been four months. I got my kids ready for the day and dropped them off to Kindy feeling so overwhelmed. As soon as I dropped them off the tears started flowing again so I drove home and jumped back into bed. A lot of my days would look like this but today was different. I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t catch my breath. My heart felt so broken, and I felt so nauseous I had cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I looked at my phone and saw the date. The 12th of March 2024. It was his 4-month Anniversary since departing. It all made sense. Even though my mind did not keep record of it, my body was responding in grief. My body would often respond to dates, milestones and anniversaries even if my mind couldn’t comprehend the memories. I would start feeling nauseous and have a breakdown like my body needed to release the pain, the grief, the memory. I would stay in bed all day until it was time to pick my kids up, then I would get up with enough time to settle my puffy eyes and put myself together just enough to look ok and try my best to be a mum again for the rest of the day.
I reflect back and still remember how broken I felt, how I never thought I could survive this. Now I’m sitting here in July 2025 20 months later. When you lose someone you love, all you have are the memories, the milestones, the numbers and the dates. You almost hold onto anything you can as a way of holding onto them, so much so your mind, body and soul reflects it. June is a milestone month in my memory box, and I didn’t realize until I found myself crying most of the day on the 10th. I couldn’t figure out why, I hadn’t had a day like this in a while. I wasn’t sad, just filled with emotion and tears to release. It wasn’t until I saw a memory on my phone that read “on this day…” It was a photo of our engagement. There it was. I realized it was my body responding to the milestones of the month. Within one week it was our engagement, our Anniversary when we started dating, a year since unveiling his headstone and my daughter’s birthday. Not to mention I’m in the process of moving out of our current home so go figure. It’s just a grief shambles on my end lol.
Over time I have learned to let the tears flow and let my body release what it needs to. This has to happen in order for me to process my reality now and appreciate the love that once was but now lives in my heart. No matter how you choose to move through grief it waits for you. It cannot be rushed; it cannot be swept away. You have to face it, embrace it in all its messiness with grace and then move with it. It follows you wherever you go, however you choose to hold yourself and your posture. You can’t drink it away or smoke it away, I’ve tried all the things trust me lol
When James and I would talk about what his final wishes were once he had departed, he mentioned wanting the kids and I to keep living in our home for another year after. I’m not sure why but reflecting back I’m so happy we did. Many assumed we would move in with my parents for extra support, but I felt pulled to stay. I’m so glad I did because it taught me how to stand on my own feet with my kids. It allowed space for me to lose myself in my grief and slowly find my way back. To trust myself in the decisions I was making without him here and also learn how to be a solo parent. It has taken me 7 months to process moving out and I have learned so much about myself and about grief. So, are you ready for the splurge?
Grief is hard, but it isn’t all sad. In fact, there are so many joyful giggles in between especially when kids are involved. These moments soften your perspective and heart so hang on to the good times, the funny memories and share them with your kids.
Holding too tight to your grief could also mean holding too tight in the control department. Know that letting go will allow you to breathe, surrendering the things you cannot control will help you heal one step at a time.
Don’t harden your heart to new connections and experiences you never know who will cross your path maybe in this lifetime or for a season they all serve a purpose. Facing grief head on means you often find yourself doing difficult things it can almost cause you to harden your heart. Be patient and give yourself grace when you find this happens and reset.
Grief is your constant companion; it is a part of you and what you will choose to do in this lifetime. Those who are meant to be in your life will understand and those who don’t, can get in the bin lol kidding…
Milestones will always be embedded in you for the rest of your life so don’t run from it. Sit in it, process it how you see fit then let it pass.
You will have a fear that the good times won’t last and always prepare for the worst because you’ve experienced the worst, don’t let this hold you back.
It’s hard letting yourself feel any glimpse of joy because of the deep heartache you’ve experienced. This is your responsibility now to heal and learn new coping mechanisms. Despite what life has thrown at you, you deserve happiness and your children need that modelled.
For the last few months, I’ve been hearing God whisper make room. So, if you’re in a season of making room you’re not alone. I do believe when we fill our lives with unnecessary things of this world, people and relationships that do not add value to your life you leave no room for the new things that could bless your life. So, here I am making room for the new things to come whilst walking with my new bestie grief.
With Love Lata x
29 & Widowed 