The maximum amount that something or someone can contain. When I reflect on how grief has reshaped the edges of my life I think about how my capacity has changed over time.
The things I desired. The things I used to chase start to feel empty. What felt normal no longer feels right. That’s what grief does, it reshapes you. Almost like a rebirth of self-discovery.
Having a young growing family came with the desire to do all the things. This included building careers, running a business whilst raising young children and possibly having more. The stresses of life almost became very normal and my capacity to juggle everything was putting me into survival mode. After all, having a newborn whilst caring for your husband with stage 4 Cancer would probably do that.
These days, money matters no longer hold the same weight. Forgiveness is given with more ease in relationships, holding grudges is non-existent, things that would usually bother me 2 years ago would probably not even make me bat an eye now. In all honesty, I’ve become very familiar with doing “hard things” having full trust I will survive it. It may appear to some that not many things phase me anymore and to some degree it is true, it is more so my capacity to only hold things that truly matter to me that has changed my worldview.
After spending the last few years in survival mode my desire isn’t to build wealth on earth through a career, business or even possessing materialistic things. It’s presence, knowing how time is fleeting and what it feels like when God calls your loved ones home. It’s the desire to rest, knowing how much my body and nervous system no longer knows what that is anymore and having to relearn what rest actually is. It’s the desire to let my guard down, knowing that as soon as James left this earth my guard was up in survival mode to carry my babies through. The desire to feel vulnerable, safe, soft and secure, everything that is almost contrary to being “strong” which is all I know.
Because trust! Your girl wants nothing but to be in her soft girl era, but It is an absolute struggle to let my guard down after only knowing survival through this last season.
In all honesty I have learned to carry pain and to endure. Survival has made me guarded, sharp and even on edge at times that when glimpses of joy show up I do brace for impact, for the next loss, the next let down or heartbreak. I would often think I’m broken (maybe partially lol) but this is the reality of grief.
The capacity I have come to know is one that knows pain, heartbreak, strength, and things not going to plan. So, I guess the season I am in is learning and expanding my capacity for joy, ease, rest, healing, wholeness, softness and alignment. Look at all that inner work I have to do lol. This is when reality kicks in. Fully knowing that I cannot rely on anyone else but me to take responsibility for my own healing. This is where I don’t want to get stuck or become bitter because umm, I actually do want to be happy now lol
I believe that knowing what you have capacity for in life really helps you focus on the areas that truly matter, the relationships that are priority and prunes absolutely everything and everyone that do not align or add value to your life. You not only can give your best to those around you, but you are in a space to receive and embrace everything that everyone around you has for you including the love, help, strength and comfort. You can say No to the things that no longer serve you and welcome all the good things God has for you. I also believe that realizing your capacity allows you to make room for others to share their pain with you, even when you yourself have carried tremendous pain in a season. That space is sacred. A safe space for others.
There have been a few instances where people have shared difficult moments in their life with me and then mid conversation, they will stop themselves in their tracks and comment on how it’s very little compared to what I have experienced. Whilst I encourage them to continue sharing, I do try my best to highlight that their pain or grief is just as valid. I am most honored when I can hold space for another one’s trials. It gives my entire experience with grief purpose to do so. So can you all not do that please. Lol I will happily grab a cuppa and a seat while you’re sharing away.
So let’s make a deal. While I work on being in my soft girl era, you work on knowing that your pain is just as valid as mine. It might be different but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt just as much.
With Love Lata xx
29 & Widowed 