I grieved you long before you were formed. I thought I would never get to experience you again, that this chapter had closed for me. But then you came along. A surprise? Yes! But what wasn’t a surprise in my life at this point. I felt you grow in my body daily from 5 weeks. The nausea, the food aversions and the crazy cravings. It brought back so many memories like it was just yesterday I grew and carried your siblings. They would have loved you so much.
How I wish I could have kept you here. I wish our circumstances were different. Whilst I watch so many people I know announce their pregnancies I sit in silence. The silence that has now become my cry. The way my heart aches knowing that I carried you without anyone knowing. How crazy is it that one day I’m pregnant and the next I’m not.
The pain of not being able to physically get out of bed while I still catered to your siblings is etched in my memory. At this point I don’t know if I’m crying because of the physical pain or the pain of knowing my body is slowly parting with you. The contractions, the back pain, all memories of being in early labour yet I’m not giving birth, I’m losing you by the hour.
I’m so angry at my body. Maybe if I made better choices you would be here. I thought my heart could never hurt again but parting with you pierced it again. I haven’t been able to sleep since. So I smash my body and push it to its limits. Why couldn’t I have just carried you full term? All of a sudden these circumstances feel minor to being able to just hold you in my arms.
I see people everyday and carry on but no one knows I’m still miscarrying. The nurse told me I could bleed out for a couple weeks but I just want it to stop. I wake up wanting to forget this even happened yet I think about you everyday. What you would look like, who you would grow up to be.
I’m so sorry you’re not here. I cry in silence, I carry the pain in every room I enter. I smile but no one knows the truth. I wish some days we switched places because this world is filled with too much pain. I am haunted by feeling every part of your death inside me.
I grieve you daily & heavily.
Mum x
29 & Widowed 