I often think about the compliments people give me in the way I move through grief and most of the time all I think about are the little eyes that watch me everyday. All I wanted to do everyday was bury myself in bed, I didn’t want to wake up. But I couldn’t do that. Everyday I had to get up and make breakfast and a bottle for my toddler and baby. Everyday I had to change nappies. Whether I felt like it or not, whether I was balling my eyes out or barely eating I still got up. They were literally my saving grace. I had no strength, but their cuddles and their little laughs gave me a glimpse everyday.
My son’s first word was daddy. So for the first couple of months when his dad passed he was calling me daddy until he could say mummy. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. lol
Navigating grief with children is very much like this, in amongst the sadness there are moments of laughter in response to their unfiltered thoughts and feelings. I believe grief in the eyes of children is just as raw, real and valid. There’s no masking their feelings, there’s no filtering their questions and there’s a sense of purity in the way they move through it at such a young age. To the core of it we adults could learn so much from them. At least I do every single day.
About a month after James passed, I had stopped his phone plan. He was still receiving calls, messages, notifications you name it, and I would just sit there and stare at his phone. To be fair some of those calls and messages were from me, calling him to tell him we missed him so much. Every now and again I still send him messages and photos of our kids updating him on what we’re doing and the milestones the kids have achieved. He’s missed countless milestones in the last year and every single one hits me like a tonne of bricks every time. From our son’s first steps, first birthday, his first day of daycare and so many more. I can’t actually believe I’ve made it this far to tell the story, but God’s grace.
I remember telling our phone provider my situation, that he had passed. It was the first time I had said it out loud and it was one of the hardest things I had to do after he left. They had kindly sent me his recorded voicemail and that night I played it for the first time and my daughter thought it was her dad calling. I told her it was just a recording and she sat there replaying it over and over until she fell asleep “that’s my daddy..” she would say. Many of these nights she would ask me where he was and for the first month I didn’t know how to respond. She would cry then I would cry and we’d cuddle until she fell asleep. Most nights were like this and to be quite honest I would cry every night putting them to sleep. It felt so lonely, so heavy, I could barely function during these hours. No wonder I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t take sleeping pills because well, we all know that a toddler wakes up in the night but it absolutely crossed my mind.
How do I tell my 2-year-old her dad has left this world forever? How much more can I break her little heart with the words I choose to use? I had no idea how to navigate this part when it came to my children, but I knew I had to be honest and transparent so that they could feel safe sharing their thoughts with me.
I started responding telling her “Daddy is with Jesus”. She caught on quickly and would respond the same when people would talk about her dad around her. When my siblings would find out about her having these emotional moments my brother would drive over and spend a few hours with her to play before bedtime. I started to notice how engaged she would become with her uncles. Like a happiness I couldn’t give her. So happy for her that she is still surrounded by the many loving men in our lives but sad that I couldn’t fill this hole she now has in her heart. Since James left, she started calling her uncle’s “Dad” and still does till this day. At one point she even called one of our Drs “dad” who was an old European man lol like come on now girlllllll.
Sometimes I do have to laugh at the questions she asks me. I don’t think they will ever stop, in reality they will probably only become more specific. I guess this is the part that no one sees. The moments when your child breaks and only you can hold them during the night, the hundreds of questions they ask you that you never signed up to answer. The lashing out when she doesn’t like the responses I give her because she’s upset that I can’t bring her dad back. How I wish she didn’t have to go through this so early on in her life.
As she grows, I have noticed that her grief doesn’t reduce, it in fact becomes heightened. The feelings and emotions are more Intune, she elaborates on how she feels and she’s very honest about the things she shares about her dad. She’s noticed that most families have two parents and has asked me why her cousins have dads and not her, she’s told me multiple times she wants two dads lol she even tries to make conversations with the uber drivers that come to our door smh haha. She thinks that every man that delivers food should come inside. So yes, you could say we have plenty of learning to do.
To me these little experiences are all a result of her grief and not many people can see this part, but I do. So, the responsibility is huge, to hold a safe space for my baby so she can express how she feels. I can see her desire to still have that safety net and protection that her father provided, and it breaks me every time, but we press on.
How can a two-year-old have so much insight and depth in an area that many grown people have yet to experience? I know this will shape her and strengthen her heart as she continues to grow. My dad was my best friend growing up, I was stuck to his hip so I know what that feels like to have one even at this old age however, my heart aches that she will experience something very foreign to me and that is my fear.
The last couple of months she’s been scrolling through her dad’s phone gallery and would sit there for almost half an hour just looking at his photos and asking questions. There was one time I caught her on her iPad watching a Disney program which had a song called “daddy’s day’ she would replay it over and over again, then start singing it word for word. I had never heard her sing this song up until this moment. These are signs I take into account knowing where she sits when it comes to missing her dad.
Up until 11 months my son had spent every day with his dad. I couldn’t help but notice that when every 12th anniversary of the month came around my son’s sleeping pattern would change. In that week he’d usually cry in the night, and it’ll take me hours to put him down. So, I would almost expect it. Last December before he turned two, he started having very big break downs where he cried for his dad for 1-2 hours. There were even times I couldn’t settle him I just had to ride it out. He knew who his dad was in photos and videos, but he had never cried like this. At this point my son was talking and communicating his feelings quite well for a 1-year-old, he’d keep saying daddy and say, “I’m crying mum”.
I remember being so confused at the fact that I couldn’t settle him considering I’ve been a solo parent for a year, also that he didn’t want a bar of me he genuinely wanted his dad. The cry was such a painful cry too, and if you have babies, you know the difference in their cries. I realized that my daughter was doing the exact thing when she was his age. If something made her upset, she would cry for almost 2 hours and shut the door on me. She had never done this when her dad was around.
You could say this is why I’ve chosen to walk through grief the way I do. Because it’s not just my own. For a long time I would carry my children’s grief too and for a long time it would weigh me down. Learning to not carry theirs is a journey on its own but I think as we grow in navigating this journey together we’re learning each other’s triggers.
If you’re navigating grief with your babies I’m sending you lots of love. They add so much more complexity to the picture simplifying grief but also adding layers. You choosing to heal and mourn in this season is the best decision you can make for them. You can show them that even when your world is shattered you can still press on with God’s grace.
If you’re a part of a village supporting someone with children, know that you are also vital to their healing journey. Whether it’s minding them for a couple of hours, offering extra cuddles and extra quality time you help their little hearts heal too. I know that the male father figures in my kids’ lives play an even more significant role in their lives, and we appreciate them one hundred. If you ever have the chance to help heal little hearts in your life know that they will remember how you made them feel and you are a part of the picture too.
With love Lata x
29 & Widowed 