PERMANENCE

After feeling like I just survived the first year of grief I often wondered if I’d ever get to a place where I would feel even a tiny bit of happiness. It just felt impossible. Out of reach. How much longer would I have to live with an ache in my heart? I wrestled with God and asked him if he really thought I was strong to carry on, to live through this. I wondered how I would make it through another year. 

What would 2 years without James look like, feel like? I remember days where I begged God to just take me so I could be with him. But I’m still here, so I guess the jokes on me lol.   

The reality is, in the second year the check ins become less, people continue living their lives, the heavy cloud above your head somewhat softens, the ones you thought would stay move on and the ones who stay still remain. Suddenly you’ve done your second round of milestones without him and are still in disbelief at what life has presented you the last two years. The tears still fall every so often but the breakdowns are further apart. The koo koo dark humour moments are still strong though lol if anything this is going to help you adapt to society again.

Two years without him. Without hearing his voice, feeling his touch, hearing his jokes or his crusty remarks. No big giant bear hugs, no cuddles for the kids. Two years of trying your best to do this whole solo parenting gig keeping your kids alive while also trying to keep yourself sane.

Forever changed by this entire plot twist written in my story. Who I was two years ago is not the person I am today. My entire perspective on life has changed. What I thought I wanted I no longer crave and so for the last two years, right there amongst all the agony, pain and healing has been the reality of just figuring it all out.

I have realised that the easiest part of all of this was burying James. The sorrow lies in the everyday after the funeral figuring out how to live, how to breathe, how to parent and how to love without him here. I wanted nothing but to close my heart up and never let people in ever again because it was the easy option. To never love again, to never get hurt ever again, to never chase my dreams, to never know the feeling of pouring myself into anything or anyone so that I never have to feel this pain again. But what is love? If we also don’t feel the cost of pain as a consequence of loving someone so deeply. Grief has taught me how humanly deep our capacity is to love one another.

I think of how bitter grief can make one’s heart and in many instances, it is the very place I never want my heart to go. The very reason why I have continuously prayed that God will never let my heart grow bitter. So, for two years I have been relearning to open my heart again to love life, to know joy again and accept that sorrow lives in the same place. That heartache can co-exist with hope. It continues to be my companion, and I carry it with me everywhere. It is a chapter in my life, not my whole story. Grief has cut me open and rearranged my whole being, the love I once knew transcends into another world but never ends. Memories are carved into my body memory reminding me that what I experienced was really real. Because if I’m honest it still feels surreal at times.

This time around there is a sense of permanence. You’re no longer waiting for him to walk through the door, or for his name to pop up on your phone calling you. The wishing he was here to tap in and take the parenting load off you throughout the week lessens because you’ve just learned to carry on through the chaos. After just “surviving” the first year of grief you really learn to soldier on through the second, knowing well what will happen ahead. The triggers, the milestones, the people to avoid lol let’s be honest, you’ve almost become a grief professional at this stage!

Grieving your spouse can feel somewhat like a public display. People watch how you navigate through it, it’s almost like people are waiting for you to slip and crack or do the opposite and transform into a butterfly lol at least that’s what it feels like sometimes. This I know to be true from the questions people constantly ask. 

When I speak of the cloud softening I think of the initial blur that grief immediately takes hold of over your life. You know the one where you can’t sleep, eat, think. This cloud slowly softens. With time you can begin to think a little clearer, make decisions in the near future, learn to breathe a little easier and even start to remember things that you’ve blocked out in your memory, at least for me.

I often reflect on how certain people have influenced my grief journey. Relating to people who have experienced grief to some degree makes a world of a difference. Feeling crazy when you’re deep in your grief pit but having even one person that will sit with you and meet you in your mess could be the thing that keeps you going on the days you just can’t hold yourself. Meeting people and listening to their experiences that will shift your perspective on grief to give you insight. Grief comes in many forms. Divorce, relationships, miscarriage, losing parents, grandparents, siblings all these people and stories will shape you. Not one story is more important than the other. Our hearts cut deep, and we feel love on so many levels it’s so important to tune into this.

If I could speak to the person navigating their first year of grief I would say, thank you for being here. For choosing to wake up even if you didn’t want to. Whenever you feel alone I will sit with you in your exhaustion, in your pit, in your well of tears. When you feel like you’ve lost all sense of happiness when they left that is ok, one day you will find it again. You can feel heartache and hope in both hands. God sees your tears even when you don’t have the words. This is the season that will shape purposeful direction for your life even when you don’t see it. There is a sense of permanence in their absence when they leave but there is also their love that remains permanent in your heart. It will teach you how to keep loving at an even bigger capacity, it will teach you to find you again, a new you even. 

Year two has shown me that there is no end to grief. It is yours to keep. What you do with it is up to you. You might not be responsible for the things that happened in your life to get here but you can still write the rest of your story. Take hold of your healing and do the work required to steady your heart so that you can continue living with grace and be that lamp for someone else.

With Love Lata x